Thoughts?

I'm trying to figure some things out. 

It's true that I know how I wish I had been born, but it's also true that I wasn't born that way. I'm starting to think maybe I shouldn't be fighting it so hard. Maybe it's important to accept it, rather than to try to change it.

When I see people that are the way I wish I'd been born, I'm jealous. I'm definitely jealous. And no matter how much I want to be like them, I can never be them. It's really frustrating to know that my heart doesn't match my body, but the fact is that it doesn't, and the best I can do is to make it sort of, kind of, somewhat like the way I wish it was. I can never fully be what I feel I should have been. So to make myself into something that will never feel real and still feels half-assed, I'd have to go through a lot of things that would damage by body. But for what? No one's ever going to see me as a real guy. I don't ever see myself as a real guy, with the body I have.

So...I don't know what to do. I'm torn between putting on makeup and a dress and trying it out again and sticking with my choice. Neither one feels right. Neither one is good enough. I don't like knowing that I'll never fully, completely be anything. The only way I think that's really possible is to embrace femininity and "be a girl" but that doesn't help because I like guys in a gay way. And I like GAY guys in a GAY way. But if they always see me as a girl, I'm never going to find love.

Maybe it is better to just not be with anyone. If I can't explain it to myself, how can I explain it to someone else?