I'm so fucking lost. I'm just a puddle of tears. I want to be anywhere but here, yet there's nowhere I want to be. I don't want to be alone but there's no one I want to be with. I don't want to go to school, but it can't be any worse than staying here.
I'm at such a shit place in my life. I don't want to do anything, but I can't stand the thought of doing nothing. I want to get close to people, but I need to get close to myself first, right? Nothing about me is me. Blogs are nice because I can say whatever the fuck I want and no one can say anything, especially since I'm pretty sure no one even knows I HAVE a blog. So, here's this big, terrible secret I have:
I don't think I exist.
I mean, physically, of course I'm here. But I never truly have fun, I can't let loose, I'm not exceptionally close to ANYONE anymore. There isn't a single person I honestly feel like I could call and connect with. My favorites change all the time, my feelings always change, my look changes, my EVERYTHING changes. I'm just a fucking ball of change and I feel like there's no "me" at all because I'm so scattered.
I hate myself. I hate myself because I can't find myself and it makes everything hard and it makes everything feel so pointless. There's not a point to anything I do. I can't even touch another person in any way without feeling extremely uncomfortable. I'm in my own head too much, and I can't see things from my partner's point of view. I can't even imagine that he feels what I feel. I can't imagine that he feels at all, while feeling is the only thing I seem to be capable of doing.
It wasn't always like this. I was better. I was--well, that's just it. I WAS. I was someone! People liked me! I liked things! I was a little bit of a prude, but I engaged a little, I had real friends... What the fuck happened to me? And the thing is, I don't feel like I can fix it. I feel like there's nothing to fix and I'm just a lost cause and there's no point to even trying because it won't lead anywhere. I don't even know my name. I seriously broke down earlier because I don't know my name. They say names are so important, but none of them fit. Not the one I was given and none I've used or thought of. What does that mean for me? For existing? For having a personality? Rachel, Raye, Ashton, Codie--none of them are me at all, and I just...I just don't even know.
For that matter, I hate my body. I hate everything about it. I spout bullshit about how "everyone's beautiful" and it's "just skin," right? And it's not that I don't believe that, because I do, but not for me. I'M not one of those people. I'm not one of "everyone." When I see a bigger girl in leggings, I think nothing of it. It looks normal. Clothes always look perfect on everyone else, as long as they're the right size, but they couldn't look more wrong on me. There's nothing I can do about it. I've tried Hydroxycut, I tried exercising/eating differently, and I haven't lost a single fucking pound. I don't know what else to do. I always thought if it came down to it, I could take Hydroxycut and it would work, but it didn't.
I want to be slender. I want to be so fucking skinny my ribs can make an imprint in cement. I don't care about health anymore. Being thin like that...feeling like I looked something aside from fat--it could do so much for me. I know I would have more confidence if I thought I looked good.
Then there's gender. No matter what I do--T, surgery--I'll never fully be a guy. And unless I'm fully a guy, gay guys won't be attracted to me. Gay guy in a woman's body--it's the worst fucking curse I've ever heard of. I don't want to do it half-assed. What would be the point? Shortening my life for something I can never fully be anyway? I know it doesn't matter to a lot of people, and they think, "oh, it's just a word" or "just a body." It's MY body, it's me, it's the thing I have to live in. It needs to be right, and it's not, and there's not a damn fucking thing I can do about it. I want to try to embrace femininity instead, but not only is that weird (since I already came out to everyone, oh yay), it doesn't feel any more right than half-assing my manhood.
Besides, I wasn't raised as a guy. There are so many things I don't know, or that I wasn't raised with.
No matter what I try to be, I feel like...like I'm trying to be something I'm not. But if I don't try anything, I'm not applying myself, and I'm miserable. There isn't a way out of this and I'm completely lost. I don't know what to do. I'm scared, I'm lost, and I'm so completely alone, and I just don't know what to do. I mean, I spend most of my time wishing I were someone else, ANYONE else, because any fucking situation, any life, even one of abuse and neglect beats no life at all. At least they have themselves.
What do you do when there's nowhere you want to go, nothing you want to do, and all change is too much, the wrong kind, or not good enough?
I don't know I don't know I don't know.
This is the most honest I've been in a really long time and now I don't know what to do because I'm done typing, done talking to myself, and done putting things out there for no one.
The saddest part is that I know there is nothing anyone could say to make it better.
I just need...something.
Hey there, you. I came across your blog randomly through a search on Google, and I'm really glad I found it.
ReplyDeleteI want you to know that you're not alone. Is it difficult at times? Yes, definitely. Every single queer person I know (myself included), whether contending with our genders or our attractions, understands intimately the emotions you describe. Fear, deep sadness, helplessness. There is such a powerful need to be respected as who we are, and in a world that tells us that we're wrong about ourselves, having to hide is exhausting, physically and spiritually.
I'm not going to do a rehash of "it gets better." It does, but not instantly. Lives don't become perfect when we come out and/or transition, and other people aren't always going to respond well. But there are others who've gone through it, waiting for you to meet them. You get to become more than the hurt you felt before coming into your own. Basically, you get to live your life fully, make your own choices, and build a circle of supportive, creative, brilliant, amazing people who really want you around. I wish that so much for you.
I know I'm a stranger, and that this probably seems incredibly weird. But what else is the Internet for, if not to reach out to people? (Okay, also pictures of baby animals and shit, but you get my point.) Please don't think you're talking to yourself. If only this comment is proof to you, well, it shows you're not alone.
I'm bummed that you don't have contact information on the blog, but my e-mail's on my profile. Don't be afraid to reach out my way.
I'm there with Ju. I'm keeping you in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteHi. I don't know how old you are, or where you are, or really who you are, but I'm a trans guy too.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's okay. We're okay. It is okay to be -you-, even if it's hard to tell who that is right now. I'm twenty-three, and I just came out a few months ago. I lost a lot (home, relationship, bank account), but I gained a lot as well-- And while I had no fucking clue who I was before, I am beginning to learn. It's a process. You don't just look down and think "Oh, well I am -this- kind of person" one day. That's not how it works. You just -are- that person, and maybe later you will notice that.
Sexuality is scary, human interaction in general is scary, life is scary. It is. And that's okay, because it's all temporary. As awful as the conditions I grew up in were, they ended. We left. It changed. Things do that. Sometimes it's for the better! Those are good times. Sometimes they're really hard at the same time, though. This is a really rambly comment, but my point is: you're not alone. Life is scary, but we're in it together.
Come to tumblr. Meet some other queer kids. It's a party. <3 (And I am afterromulus.tumblr.com).
you are a beautiful human being. i'm going to echo ju's comments as well!
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard feeling like your body is wrong. It's so hard feeling like you don't know yourself. It's so hard feeling like you don't fit in. It's so hard feeling alone. It's so hard but there are so many people who feel the same way, and when you all get together and talk you realize that you really aren't that alone.
ReplyDeleteCome to Tumblr. We have a huge queer community. Mine is everyonesalittlequeer.tumblr.com
I'll be happy to talk to you.
There are gay guys in this world who will still be attracted to a pre-T, pre-surgery guy, let alone someone who's been through the surgery. If someone isn't attracted to you because they think you aren't a "real" guy, then they aren't the kind of person you want. It's a big world with lots and lots of kind and wonderful people, no matter how it might seem at the moment. You're not alone.
ReplyDeleteIf you ever want to rant to someone without ranting to the whole internet at large, my e-mail address is wicked.katze@gmail.com. I realize it's kind of weird for a total stranger to offer that sort of help, and I'll totally understand if that weirds you out or you don't want to do it. But I promise I won't judge anything you might tell me, and even if I don't know what to tell you, I can at least be a sounding board.