I'll hear myself out, then.

I'm so fucking lost. I'm just a puddle of tears. I want to be anywhere but here, yet there's nowhere I want to be. I don't want to be alone but there's no one I want to be with. I don't want to go to school, but it can't be any worse than staying here.

I'm at such a shit place in my life. I don't want to do anything, but I can't stand the thought of doing nothing. I want to get close to people, but I need to get close to myself first, right? Nothing about me is me. Blogs are nice because I can say whatever the fuck I want and no one can say anything, especially since I'm pretty sure no one even knows I HAVE a blog. So, here's this big, terrible secret I have:

I don't think I exist.

I mean, physically, of course I'm here. But I never truly have fun, I can't let loose, I'm not exceptionally close to ANYONE anymore. There isn't a single person I honestly feel like I could call and connect with. My favorites change all the time, my feelings always change, my look changes, my EVERYTHING changes. I'm just a fucking ball of change and I feel like there's no "me" at all because I'm so scattered.

I hate myself. I hate myself because I can't find myself and it makes everything hard and it makes everything feel so pointless. There's not a point to anything I do. I can't even touch another person in any way without feeling extremely uncomfortable. I'm in my own head too much, and I can't see things from my partner's point of view. I can't even imagine that he feels what I feel. I can't imagine that he feels at all, while feeling is the only thing I seem to be capable of doing.

It wasn't always like this. I was better. I was--well, that's just it. I WAS. I was someone! People liked me! I liked things! I was a little bit of a prude, but I engaged a little, I had real friends... What the fuck happened to me? And the thing is, I don't feel like I can fix it. I feel like there's nothing to fix and I'm just a lost cause and there's no point to even trying because it won't lead anywhere. I don't even know my name. I seriously broke down earlier because I don't know my name. They say names are so important, but none of them fit. Not the one I was given and none I've used or thought of. What does that mean for me? For existing? For having a personality? Rachel, Raye, Ashton, Codie--none of them are me at all, and I just...I just don't even know.

For that matter, I hate my body. I hate everything about it. I spout bullshit about how "everyone's beautiful" and it's "just skin," right? And it's not that I don't believe that, because I do, but not for me. I'M not one of those people. I'm not one of "everyone." When I see a bigger girl in leggings, I think nothing of it. It looks normal. Clothes always look perfect on everyone else, as long as they're the right size, but they couldn't look more wrong on me. There's nothing I can do about it. I've tried Hydroxycut, I tried exercising/eating differently, and I haven't lost a single fucking pound. I don't know what else to do. I always thought if it came down to it, I could take Hydroxycut and it would work, but it didn't.

I want to be slender. I want to be so fucking skinny my ribs can make an imprint in cement. I don't care about health anymore. Being thin like that...feeling like I looked something aside from fat--it could do so much for me. I know I would have more confidence if I thought I looked good.

Then there's gender. No matter what I do--T, surgery--I'll never fully be a guy. And unless I'm fully a guy, gay guys won't be attracted to me. Gay guy in a woman's body--it's the worst fucking curse I've ever heard of. I don't want to do it half-assed. What would be the point? Shortening my life for something I can never fully be anyway? I know it doesn't matter to a lot of people, and they think, "oh, it's just a word" or "just a body." It's MY body, it's me, it's the thing I have to live in. It needs to be right, and it's not, and there's not a damn fucking thing I can do about it. I want to try to embrace femininity instead, but not only is that weird (since I already came out to everyone, oh yay), it doesn't feel any more right than half-assing my manhood.

Besides, I wasn't raised as a guy. There are so many things I don't know, or that I wasn't raised with.

No matter what I try to be, I feel like...like I'm trying to be something I'm not. But if I don't try anything, I'm not applying myself, and I'm miserable. There isn't a way out of this and I'm completely lost. I don't know what to do. I'm scared, I'm lost, and I'm so completely alone, and I just don't know what to do. I mean, I spend most of my time wishing I were someone else, ANYONE else, because any fucking situation, any life, even one of abuse and neglect beats no life at all. At least they have themselves.

What do you do when there's nowhere you want to go, nothing you want to do, and all change is too much, the wrong kind, or not good enough?

I don't know I don't know I don't know.

This is the most honest I've been in a really long time and now I don't know what to do because I'm done typing, done talking to myself, and done putting things out there for no one.

The saddest part is that I know there is nothing anyone could say to make it better.

I just need...something.

Thoughts?

I'm trying to figure some things out. 

It's true that I know how I wish I had been born, but it's also true that I wasn't born that way. I'm starting to think maybe I shouldn't be fighting it so hard. Maybe it's important to accept it, rather than to try to change it.

When I see people that are the way I wish I'd been born, I'm jealous. I'm definitely jealous. And no matter how much I want to be like them, I can never be them. It's really frustrating to know that my heart doesn't match my body, but the fact is that it doesn't, and the best I can do is to make it sort of, kind of, somewhat like the way I wish it was. I can never fully be what I feel I should have been. So to make myself into something that will never feel real and still feels half-assed, I'd have to go through a lot of things that would damage by body. But for what? No one's ever going to see me as a real guy. I don't ever see myself as a real guy, with the body I have.

So...I don't know what to do. I'm torn between putting on makeup and a dress and trying it out again and sticking with my choice. Neither one feels right. Neither one is good enough. I don't like knowing that I'll never fully, completely be anything. The only way I think that's really possible is to embrace femininity and "be a girl" but that doesn't help because I like guys in a gay way. And I like GAY guys in a GAY way. But if they always see me as a girl, I'm never going to find love.

Maybe it is better to just not be with anyone. If I can't explain it to myself, how can I explain it to someone else?